Interesting conversation the other day…fellow I met in a bar. He was kinda downtrodden; standard dive-bar fare, so’s I say – you know – “what’s up Mac?” Sez: “Well, actually it’s Mick and it’s a bit of a long tale.”
I say: “If I had pressing obligations, I wouldn’t be in a bar at one in the afternoon on a Wednesday.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure”
‘k, “once upon a time….” — STOP!!!
“…Cliffs Notes, please….” I say.
“O…sorry, been tellin’ the story a lot lately.”
“Lately?”
“’bout 2,000 years , it seems…”
“…had a marriage like that…go on.”
”Well, Dad raised us, me and my brother, to be quite competitive in all things.
Seemed all right in childhood.
But it just kept goin’ on….
‘bout 2,000 years, it seems…”
And?…
So here we are, my brother and I, into our waning years, and we’re still at it; and for no real benefit to anyone!
I gotta ask him: “Gimme an example?”
Mick: “Well, like the souls, thing.”
”Uh huh…”
“Well, back to the Dad thing. You know how siblings are – “I got one” Well I got TWO! “Yeah, well I got a whole family!!!”
“NO WAY!!! WHO?”"
I sez “Someone named Manson…”
“Yeah,” bro says, “Marilyn Manson, old stuff. You know, that’s cheating, pre-arranging the will, so to speak.”
I say, “God, oops!! I mean Jesus!! No different than you selling toys to kids who can’t even read yet.”
Bro replies, “Suzuki method, dumbfuck.”
“Yeah, yeah, got it. In fact, got Suzuki, if I’m not mistaken.”
“No, Mick…SuDUKI, the guy who killed twenty people in a subway…”
”Potato – potaado – whatever.”
“See Mick? This is what I’m talking about. Bookkeeping, inventory, overhead – shit that MATTERS in business.”
I tell him, “Punch cards were good enough for Dad…they’re good enough for me!”
“Nooo…You just enjoy punching holes in things with sharp implements.”
”Welllll…true”, I sez…”but so what?”
Bro speaks, “OK, This is what I’m proposing….”
” I currently have a carrying inventory of over 40 billion units. I suspect you have three times that amount…To what avail? There is no value in outdated, outmoded, outsourced technology! I mean, what do you actually DO with your archaic inventory?”
”…They’re fun?”
“NO!!! THEY ARE NOT “FUN”!’
He continued “They are an expense! There are places on Earth that take care of these forever!!! They call them Perpetual something or other…use my name and image on the buildings as well…without my legal consent mind you!”
“Like – take thy lords name in vain?”
“Yeah, Bro, like that. Fuck off and die…again.”
”Please, stay with me here…The people of this world have to, in the tenure of their time on the firmament, take care of one, maybe two folks in their whole life!”
”What about Octomom?” I ask.
“FOCUS BRO!! FOCUS!! Besides you got her and the brats…I mean, you can’t just WANT eight kids.”
“I’m predictable?”
”Bro, You’re predictable…I’m predictable…We’re no longer innovators. Just sad parodies of our own lives.”
“I think I see…What do you propose we do?”
“Nothing…”
”Nothing?”
“Nothing.”
“Where shall we go and do nothing?”
“Mick, You know anyone in Panama?”
”Well…yeah, uhhh, lemme think… Noriega, Ortega, Vega…”
“Close…but all Central American, I get it.”
“South America?”
”No, No, No…got an entire wing of South Americans…”
“Europe?”
“Kidding right?”
“Kidding. “
“Well, we have us a conundrum.”
“Where did you get THAT word?”
“Wheel of Fortune”
“Oh yeah, that was good work by the way.”
”Thank you, not so hard, I always knew they’d sell their souls for wealth, but I had NO IDEA they’d do it for a Barcalounger!”
…snicker…
“Hollywood??”
”No, don’t think I do know anyone from, or in, Hollywood…WAIT!! Marilyn Manson?”
“Oh for fucks sake Mick, it was Charlie Manson!!! Dumbfuck!”
“No, no, I have Charlie Brown.”
“Yeah, and well deserved. Too pedantic…”
”True, an insult to all deities.”
” Yeah, whatever… So Hollywood it is!”
“Hollywood it is…”
And THAT, dear readers, is the story of how Hollywood came into being!
Some parts of this story were created, conjured maybe, for the purpose of driving our story…like the part about being in the bar during working hours.
Yeah…Right.
Hollywood it is!
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