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Okay! Today begins a grand experiment. I’ve seen my future ex-wife! We’ll call her “V”, in homage to Thomas Pynchon.

I am going to document my pursuit of said woman.

A little background; I was doing my last minute Thanksgiving shopping Thursday morning, when I realized I had purchased all necessary accouterments for a grand meal except, oh, stuff to cook it in and serve it! Duh!! This led me to make a last-minute stop at the $1.99 store, which is a lot like the 99 cents store, but a dollar more. Aren’t you glad I cleared up that anomaly?

Whilst wandering the aisles, ‘cause you don’t go to these places knowing where in the f**k anything is. Case in point, when you ask for the “food” aisle, it’s necessary to state that you meant food as in “was once alive”. (No, gummy bears are NOT a food item, any more than inner tubes are.)

I had caught a glimpse of this woman across the aisle. She is about 6’ 1” maybe 135lbs, blondish, wavy hair half-way down her back, blue eyes and perfect flawless skin; believe me ‘cause I was looking for defects. Evidently she is employed there. Oops, almost forgot, she had on reindeer horns. (Not real like Satan, you know, the holiday cheer headband, type). When you date me, the Satan thing usually rears its head about a month later.

My philosophy is: “You appear to be a woman who is happy, content, focused and goal-oriented…date me, I’ll fix that.” I know I’ve previously stated that this time around, I’ll just find someone I do not like and give ‘em a house…cut out all the unpleasantries in the middle.

But I’m really smitten and am moved to pursue in a way I have not felt in years, really!

So you, dear readers, shall now accompany me each step of the way in this endeavor! Well, not EVERY step, if and when we “seal the deal”, you’ll have to use your imagination(s). And if protection orders rear their ugly heads, I’ll probably leave that out, too. In the words of Gomez Addams: “You say Lady Killer, I say Acquitted.”

While “priors” are a good resume move if you’re applying to the Oakland Raiders, maybe not so much in the dating game.

See ya next time: Argus

There’s meat on the table tonight

When I was younger and worked nine to five.

There was hope and a hunger and a will to survive

But history’s history, the past is good bye

yet there was meat on the table that night.

Now we’re engaged in a great civil war

that’s pimping our memories and creating new whores.

I’ve never been evil and never took flight.

But there’s meat on the table tonight.

I know that it’s cheating and know that it kills,

But the family’s grieving and taken to ills

Food is the life-blood and food is the light

And there’ll be meat on the table tonight.

When did it come to this, when did I fall?

I could of said No, I could have stood tall.

But the collector’s collecting and electricity’s due

and the water, the rent and the telephone too.

I could have soared higher, climbed to new heights

But there’s meat on the table tonight

So, so far so good and I’ve managed to hide

This newfound new income from the girl by my side

Oh, but sooner or later all wrongs turn to right.

But there’s meat on the table tonight.

But kings fall from grace, as does common man

I’ve tried and I’ve worked just as hard as I can

A thief is a thief as black is to white

But there’s meat on the table tonight.

One of these days, I’ll get caught in the fight.

One of these years I’ll end up inside

The gated community where no one survives

But for now and for later we’re doin’ all right.

And there’s meat on the table tonight.

Allrighty then…

Remember the old adage “You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy?”

mmmmm, well, take a looky at this here video. This gentleman would be wise to remember the words of Satchel Paige:

“Ain’t no man can avoid being born average. But ain’t no man got to be common.”

This is what you get in the digital age. In the old days; read - 5 years ago - The cost of tape/film was prohibitive enough that when one flubbed a take, the cameras stopped rolling…Not these days…

By the way; How come when you watch National Geographic, they explain how someone is the “first” to climb said mountain and yet someone else climbed up right behind him WHILE CARRYING forty lbs. of video gear?

Any how, here is today’s  Ebonics lesson:

In honor of “Talk Like A Pirate Day” Here is Google like a Pirate:

Google for Pirates

CraigsList - Weird Al

There are things they say

that can’t be seen,

can’t be held and can’t be dreamed.

There are worlds of wise-men

dead men too,

some too kind, and some too cruel.

There are tiny places

we all hide,

the caustic evils we store inside.

There are great big valleys

and hidden seas,

elemental genius  and the Pharasees’.

Time marches forward

time stands still,

Time slides backwards, always will.

Lost in shadows

mired by night

Then comes guidance then comes Light.

M. Marcus 09/07/09

Whew, this little gem crossed my path earlier. You know how your friends are constantly asking you: “Yo, white dude, why can’t you and your brothers write a rap song?” Well, for one, we are severely limited on topics of interest.  Using myself as an example; I’ve never had a stable of bitches so therefore, I don’t have much pimpin’ experience. I’ve never sold crack in the projects, hell, I’ve never bought crack in the projects, and I’ve never had a thousand dollar bottle of champagne to drink while shopping for a Rolex in Beverly Hills either.

So, common ground? Maybe…I do like women and, evidently so does this gentleman: I proudly present to you…decent White folk hip-hop. Oh, and by the way, this is in NO WAY WHAT SO EVER safe for work.

Dear Reader,

not to be confused with Kim Jong II, Dear Leader,

I know it has been two months since I last invaded your privacy; But I was engaged in my annual “Fall Down the Rabbit Hole…” sabbatical.

I, as a rule, do not cotton to my birthday well at all. In fact I rather dislike this yearly occurrence. I tend to imbibe in the “brewery arts” to an extent that could, by laymen’s terms, be called intoxication.

Oscar Wilde: “I have found that alcohol, in small amounts can cause intoxication.”

But I digress.

I know you’ve wondered what exciting earth-shattering topic will Argus address in his first column in nearly sixty days? Well, I’ve been eagerly watching the news of the world around us and have decided to address the MOST IMPORTANT issue of our times. That’s right, How To Fold A Shirt!!

Without further ado:

How To Fold A Shirt

What if Facebook PAID you to socialize?

Sidetick Does!!!