Sep 23 2008
The Biggest Problem Facing our Country Today (That’s Right, Bread)
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 425 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors
2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.
Is THIS what you want for our children?
Notice the obvious mental decline
If you wish to contribute to the understanding and prevention of grain abuse; inquire of me and I’ll forward my PayPal account info to you.
Note: Grain abuse does NOT include Vodka or other distilled beverages.
The list itself, originally appeared in 101 Science Fiction Stories, edited by Martin H. Greenberg, et al., it was published in 1986.
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Bread is a great source of food. Think about the homeless, they can care less about your facts. As for youth as myself, I eat bread daily and haven’t thought about committing crimes. This information is full of hype, and scams. If you look deep into the posters intensions, you will find that they are just desperated for money. That is why they are trying to sell information that really has no meaning to the mortality of peoples lives. Please educate the Tucson community with useful information instead of a bunch of brain wash.
this is sooo funny. The last poster is an idiot or has no capability to understand sarcasm.
I think King Breadz may be smarter than all of us. I thought his post was filled with satire and laughed my ass off. You guys are fooled easily.
Obama has a super double secret plan to take your toast. Yes, right after he takes your guns, your money, your homes, and your toilet paper. Trust me on this one, folks. The CDR (center for diseased republicans) has uncovered deleted emails from senior administration officials to Wonderbread, Arnold, and Pepperidge Farms showing a clear and consistent goal of nationalizing toast, and many other baked goods. These will be implanted with nanochips so they can track your usage of toast wherever you use it. George Orwell couldn’t have dreamed up a more nefarious plot. The new york times has been sitting on the story in response to requests from the National Toast Security Administration. There are rumors of plans to expand the program to include butter and jam as well.
Not content to make us all have health care, education and financial security, to regulate the investment and energy sectors, and pave roads, build schools and bridges, these socialist bastards now want your toast! I urge all my fellow citizens to write you congressional representatives to protest this pre-emptive short circuit of our constitutional right to toastation without representation. If they outlaw toast, only outlaws will have toast. Toast doesn’t kill people, politicians kill people. This is just another in a series of affronts to our national identity. They’re not going after croissants, are they? NOOOOOO! how about Kaiser rolls? NOOOOOOOOOO! They’re not even targeting tacos!! Whats next, grits? Jimmy Dean Sausage? Where will it end??? I’ve been talking to representatives from the cauliflower industrial complex, and believe me, they are worried. Who wouldn’t be? I say we gather up all our toast and dump it in the Sonoran Desert, just like they did back in Boston with all that tea! We are the yeast common denominator, lets rise to the occasion!!
Thank you one and all
Mr. Husky
Well that explains it all since I admit I am a bread user. And it isn’t unusual for me to add peanut butter to it either and sometimes when I make toast I use butter. Yes I’m a wild one.
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