Through the Looking Glass

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 beers.
A professor stood before his Philosophy 201 class andhad some items in-front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full…
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two beers from under the table and poured the
entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things—your family, your
children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
house and your car.

The sand is everything else–the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room
for the pebbles or golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never
have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Practice “romance” as often as possible.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of “Mama” first—the things that really matter.
Set your priorities…

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’

The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s
always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the vacation.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other.
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
17. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
23. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
24. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
26. You should not confuse your career with your life.
27. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
28. Never lick a steak knife.
29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
33. Your friends love you anyway.
34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
35. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Today, Argus will try to clear up a couple of misunderstood issues around the globe.

First: always remember - “To a worm in horseradish , the world is horseradish .”

Second:  Why, Why, Why?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

And third -

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP!!

.

Well folks, you are indeed fortunate today. Miss Maladjusted has FIGURED IT ALL OUT!

The Internet thing, life, death, and everything in between. So, without further ado: Miss Mal……..

First, I post an ad and hope that it doesn’t offend anyone (an offensive post is as good as flagged). It should include two imperative topics; 1) who I want you to believe that I am (even though within 3 months you will find out that none of it is true), and, 2) a shopping list of unrealistic expectations of who I want you to be, (which most of you won’t read anyway, and will expose that fact in your initial response).

In order to overlook your cocky arrogance (not to mention your attention span of a gnat), I will demand a picture (because as we all know attraction is part of this whole song and dance). At such time, you send me a picture of when you had a hairline, and I, in return, send you one at an angle that hides the 120 pounds that I am not planning on losing.

The e-mail interview process begins. It includes such getting-to-know-you questions as “do you have any tats?” and “what are your hobbies?” (because that is what you ask a girl when you first meet her). You quickly find out that all I care about is that you have a job and don’t live with your mother. I give you my number, you send a preemptive text letting me know that you are (insert name here), and I call you back when you are at work so that if you sound like a moron I don’t have to stay on the phone for very long.
After a series of phone tag and “scheduling” matters we agree to meet in a very-public-place-just-in-case-you-turn-out-to-be-a-psycho-or-I-just-flat-out-don’t-like-you-at-which-time-I-will-politely-excuse-myself-to-go-to-the-bathroom-and-while-I-am-in-there-send-an-SOS-text-to-my-bail-out-crew-so-that-they-can-make-up-a-crisis-and-call-me-so-I-can-leave-and-I-don’t-have-to-tell-you-that I-think-you-are-a-jag-off-who-talks-about-your-ex-girlfriend-way-too-much.

If we happen to make it that far (without crisis team intervention), you feed me some line about how your favorite thing about sex is watching the woman get off. How you believe that sex is only good with someone you are in love with. You are done with 21 year old bar chic’s, and that you just want something real…(interesting justification, as a female, I already know that you THINK that is what I want to hear. Therefore, the conclusion being it’s just a line, and you are full of shit.)

At some point you realize that you have been weighed and measured. Your epiphany also alludes that I am a judgmental bitch (you win a gold star sticker) whom you wouldn’t want to date anyway. You still wouldn’t mind a romp around the bedroom with me, so you pull some smooth (lame) shit, and at this point it will probably work because I have had way too many white russians (the only way I find you tolerable), and even through I know that you are full of lines for some strange reason you sound incredibly brilliant and the pants hiding my unshaven legs serving as a last resort for “just say no”  somehow end up missing the next morning.

The next night at about 6 pm I can’t figure out why I haven’t heard from you so I send you the “thinking about you” text..15 minutes later the “why haven’t I heard from you” text…15 minutes later the “why haven’t you answered me?” text…and this goes on all night until you block my number and change your email…

All for what?!!  The worst 30 seconds of my life…?

Welcome to The Argus’ ONE HUNDREDTH Column!!

“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

The above, of course, is Hamlet - and Sir Williams’ take on reality vs. the written word. As always, it comes to pass that TRUE weirdness can only be found in the abstracts of our nation’s court system.

Today, thanks to your Uncle Phil, are the current Stella Awards nominees…

Good Morning USA!

In this day and age of courts and country, it should be known that, once again, nothing in the annals of the written word can possibly compare with reality.

 Incredible…

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar
with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in
New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the
lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.
Here are the Stella’s for the past year:

7TH PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The storeowners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own
son.

6TH PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE :

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house
he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for
Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could
not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house
because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when
Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT,
days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson
$500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more…

4TH PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the
Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though
the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did no t
get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might
have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with
a pellet gun.

Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE :

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone The reason the soft drink
was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument.

Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more
Stellas to go…

2ND PLACE :

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in
a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000…oh,
yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an Oklahoma University football    game,
having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph
and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago
to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the
freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski
sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t
actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her [are you sitting down?], $1,750,000 PLUS a new
motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this
suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy
a motor home.

And that, dear readers, is your fellow countryman proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is possible to supplant reality with a judge/jury’s decision. So, in conclusion - The words ofArgus - “Speak softly and carry a big law firm.”

…I know that some of you (ok, maybe ONE of you) are wondering: What is Miss Mal’s home life like?

Intrigue? Sensuality? Excitement? Those are just some of the words that have vowels in them! 

Miss Maladjusted has informed me that, despite her own advice, she’d encountered a gentleman recently that had left her wondering: “Hmmm, Why did I not get his phone number!” For those of you familiar with CraigsList, this is what is commonly referred to as a Missed Connection.  However, for our edification we shall refer to this “tragedy” as Miss Mal’s Dissed Connection. 

Following then, is “Miss Maladjusted’s Dissed Connection.”

I was standing in the parking lot discovering the fresh key marks on my drivers side door, when I looked up and noticed you, changing your son’s diaper out of the back of your van. “God, you have one hell of an ass” I thought as you dropped the diaper nonchalantly onto the pavement. It wasn’t until you turned your head to hock a loogie that I noticed what intriguing eyes you have.

If I hadn’t been so nauseated, I would have said “hello”, but I had to get to the nearest liquor store before I seized. Just wanted to say, thanks for making my day…I smiled through all the red lights on my way home because of you.

Part One is Here

…so our poor male wanna be has failed to break through to Miss Maladjusted’s heart. Hmmm…if not guitar then?…..

Him: (jumps on bed with notebook) want to hear my poetry

Me: not tonight i have a headache

Him: reads some lame ass poem anyway and looks at me for approval

Me: well i still have a headache..motrin may have worked better

Him: I am going to put it to some of my music…wouldn’t it sound good to heavy metal

Me: can we talk about this later, mindless tv is on and at the moment it is working better for my headache

Me: I guess I didn’t…thank God..lets go hiking!!!

So, as you can see - The maladjusted female does not fall prey to the standard male come-on.  By now, you’re asking yourselves, “What would I have done differently?”

A couple of suggestions from the peanut gallery: When poetry, music and politics fail to bed the beauty; You really could do worse than cold, hard cash.

Sports cars are nice as well; although in my 40-something years on the planet, I’ve yet to receive a blow-job worthy of a Hyundai much less a Corvette .

The Argus sez: “Blow-jobs are like pizza; There are no bad ones. But some are better.”

Stay tuned for the Further Adventures of Maladjusted. 

And remember: When in doubt, ask yourselves, WWMD (Weapon of mass destruction?) Actually, yes!!! However, for our sake…..

What Would Mal Do?

Those of you who are following the trials and tribulations of Miss Mal, dating research scientist, will be pleased as punch (WTF does that mean anyway?), to see that, yet again, we’ve been honored by her presence on these pages.

Today Mal shares with us the hazards of going out of town on a date! Translation: Being stuck in God’s country with Satan’s’ child.

Miss Mal had deigned to visit Sedona , a town in northern Arizona, most noted for it’s amazing ability to function as Flypaper for Freaks. But I digress…

Herein, then, is genuine dialogue from her “intimate” road trip.

(Oh, it should be noted that Miss Mal was doing her “monthly penitence” i.e. riding the cotton pony, at the time…)

   Scene 1 Act 1 - a hotel room in the desert:

Him: Blah blah blah blah blah (something about shit I don’t care about like guitars, trucks, politics… to which I may have gladly pretended to be interested in if I wasn’t PMSing)

Me: So lets say that everything you just bitched about to me is absolutely true, what are you personally going to do about Bush’s treason?

Him: some stupid reply that didn’t answer my question

Me: ok but what are you personally going to do about it?…..

Him: justifying the first retarded answer that he gave me

Me: No the answer is “nothing” you are going to do absolutely nothing about it except bitch.

Him: (ray of light and harp sound) I guess you are right.

To make matters worse he thinks he is a good guitar player…This is how that conversation went:

Him: strum strum strum…wait…oh..its..strum strum strum..no…hold on..strum strum strum..there it is..doesn’t it sound just like the intro to (insert some song that I have never heard of)

Me: I don’t know that song

Him: here let me play it again

Me: no really its ok

Him: strum strum strum..do you know it now?

Me: uhhh…nooo

Him: (grabs CD) well I will play it for you…plays some song that mildly resembles something that sounded close to being in the family in a distant cousin sort of way of the song he was strumming) what do you think?

Me: I am not good at ego petting so you may want to ask someone else

Him: You didn’t like it

Me: You’ve read my disclaimer..

so that is how the weekend went until the wrath of Eve was unleashed and my hormones put me in a better mood…

Part Two of “Miss Mal does Sedona”

Well folks, as always, you’re in luck!

See, I have no life WHATSOEVER!! Therefore I have nothing but time for you. I’ve decided that with sooo many folks into “surfing” these days, it has become necessary to put together a primer on “How the Internet Works”.

1st up: watch the accompanying video; it’ll explain the basics of internet technology.

How The Internet Works.

2nd: review the following guidelines for a safe, decent internet experience!

Internet Safety Guidelines

3rd: Be afraid! Be very Afraid!

Best of luck to all you “newbies”. I hope I’ve been of service.

Oh, yeah, almost forgot - “DO NOT under any circumstances, eat Cheetos while surfing the net!” 

It’ll turn your thingy orange!

Allrighty, then - Today we’re looking at that incredible country/state known as Texas. But mostly, we’re just seizing upon an excuse to tell TEXAS jokes today!

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

_______________________________

What is the definition of “gay” in Texas?

If you love your wife more than football.

_______________________________

The Donkey

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, what ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me… I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’