In this new-age of corporate waste, excessive salaries and bonuses, and mind bending bailouts; we’ve decided that the current company policies need to be updated to better suit those of us who have no idea what “labor” is. Once, I touched a lawn mower; but that was at Sears not in an actual “lawn” environment. I have the prerequisite shiny tool collection. It sits on the wall in my garage, which, quite frankly, I’ve never been in. (It’s like, dirty there.)
Anyway, We, your loyal Board of Directors, have revamped the current company policies. Please read at my convenience.
Failure to adhere to the new policies will result in your being chucked to the wolves in some soup line in a poor section of town.
Remember, if you leave your employment with us, your current medical coverage will be reassigned to Dr. Jack Kevorkian, (Hint: if Jack asks how you’re doin’, the answer is “I’M FINE, I’M REALLY, REALLY FINE!!!” Say this loudly as Jack is getting on a bit in years.
In conclusion, we hope that all of our employees will remain with us for the foreseeable future. (Like I’d shine my own shoes, Right; I haven’t even SEEN my feet in twenty years) So, uh, where was I….Oh, yeah, please familiarize your selves with our new policies, which as always will be retroactively in place back to the time of the Pharaohs.
Yours SINcerely,
H.L. Caviar
We Say So Corp.
Memo: New Company Policy Effective: 05/02/07
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After you second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders Category”. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced mean to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
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