Through the Looking Glass

(In response to the question: What is the worst habit your pet has?)

My cat, Venus, has a bad habit of going on-line when I’m not looking and buying things I can not afford. Just yesterday she bought a Porsche; third time this month! Now I have to buy a larger garage. And don’t even get me started on the automatic weapons thing. She sez the neighbors dog is aggravating, eats his own poop and stuff like that.

I also believe she gets into the icebox and kills my beer. How else can you explain two six-packs a day disappearing? Same goes for my cigarettes. And, now that I think about it, the ice cream has been disappearing at an alarming rate as well!

I also have reason to believe that she utilizes my eMail to send subversive messages to far-right columnists such as Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

I mean, No one else in their right mind would wish Rush to get hit by a bus; a really large bus, a really, REALLY large, overloaded, brakes failing, bus!

But I digress…

For one thing, to be struck by a bus, one would have to be walking somewheres and I don’t even see Rush fetching his own toilet paper, much less ambulating on the side of the road.

(Damn, the cat truly dislikes Rush, it appears she’s been editing my column yet again today!)

Now what’s really confusing is where she manages to obtain all the Playboy magazines I’m constantly finding around the house. (Can a cat be gay? She IS a female for cryin’ out loud.)
What’s next? A run on “D” cell batteries?

I’m also kinda worried, suddenly my speed-dial is loaded up with lawyers phone numbers. Divorce lawyers. CONTINGENCY divorce lawyers. I should have listened when my friends suggested a pre-nup. Just kidding, I don’t have friends.

Well, I believe I’ll have to start “flying straight” as they used to say. Starting today, Venus dines on line-caught Atlantic salmon.
Do you think she’d prefer Bearnaise or Hollandaise with that?

M

This is the cadence of life.

Ebb and flow, come and go, highs and lows. What then, stays static in the time-line?

Thirty years ago; or in terms we can easily understand, in the era of the FIRST singer for AC/DC, I took up valuable space in the learning environment known as  Palmer Preparatory in Miami, Fl.

The only nuggets I’ve retained after all these years are:

A) How to roll a joint. (Topography, spacial relationships, dexterity and adhesives)

B) How to light it. (Combustion - which is 1. fuel 2.oxygen and 3. ignition or flashpoint)

And C) The mechanics and physics of bong operation. (Bernoulli principle.)

Although I don’t really practice these “skills” much anymore, it is interesting to address one’s retention traits as we get older.
For instance, I can still recite Xanadu from Coleridge; The Gettysburg Address; and a bunch of stuff off the Periodic Table of the Elements.

Sidebar: None of which has EVER come up in a boardroom meeting in Silicon Valley…

Although, I have actually fired someone based on the tenets of algebra. Really! He didn’t come to work on time, perpetually late, yet did manage to finish his work load daily. Unfortunately, I had 20 guys in a warehouse in Walnut, CA, 50 in Bangaladore, another 8 in Taipei who DID manage to arrive at the preordained time. So it was “I know you got the answers right, but I wanna know HOW you figured…i.e. Procedure matters.
But I digress…

I would say that other than the pot thing, I ‘d have to really reach back into the annals of adolescence to fetch any thing that I, as Shakespeare once said, “give a shit about”.

Nope, can’t summon up anything from those days (years?) that bore fruit later in life. (Read: “Someone paid me for knowing it.)

However…….. I DO have one exception to this doctrine…

I remember AND cherish each and every person whom I had had the pleasure of calling Classmate.

I’ve been rewinding the tapes, reviewing the written form and perusing the photo sets of the thirty years reunion of my fellow “Pirates”.

No matter how many of the afore-mentioned bong skills I indulge in; I CANNOT AND WILL NOT REFER TO said classmates as “Falcons”

Everyone looks great and everybody would appear to have found their “place in this world”. And dear reader, appearance IS everything!
(Can you tell I’d been in California too long?)

Final summary judgement…A Kudos to all Pirates past and present; and thank you for being, persistent little buggers that you are, in my thoughts and memories for the last thirty years.

Rock on Pirates, Rock on!

M. Marcus

p.s. Bon Scott really did kick ass, right Mad dog?

p.p.s. Thank You - Robert Yarbrough. They actually PAY me to write this stuff!!

(Part II)      To view Part I - Click Here

Off the top of my head we’ve got: Baptists, Christians, Seventh-day Advertisists, Jehovahs Sickness, Catholicism, Jews, who by the way are the ONLY group of folks who DO NOT use your name or image for monetary gain.) Uhhh, lessee, Islam, Bedlam, etc.
You get the picture; For a goy, whoops!! I mean guy, whose Total and Utter existence is about revenue collection, you’ve really missed the boat here on the money thing.We promise: Less appearances on bread and bread byproducts, more national exposure.
Remember, If you’re not on TV, you don’t exist, and you’re missing the opportunity to hang with some chicks who will do ANYTHING you ask. Scratch that. I’ll give you credit, you’ve already got that thing down. And, most important; Mo’ money, Mo’ money, MO’ MONEY! Please get in contact with us at you’re earliest convenience. I mean CHEESE TOAST!?!? C’mon already! It’s time for you to do Oprah!!!

Most Respectfully,

Dewey, Cheatham and Howe
Management to the Stars

P.S. Please note that we are a NO Smite employer. Save that shit for the infidels.

Ahhhh…You lucky, lucky reader! I know you’ve had a week to ponder this: “What will Argus piss and moan about THIS week?”

Valid question indeed. Let’s get started, then…

First and foremost on the “Anybody seen Ted Nugent, I mean Jesus, lately? Well, now that you ask…The operative word(s) this week are “Cheese Toast!”

Yes, God was a tad too busy this week to deal with the Taliban; BUT…He did find the time to appear on a cheese toast. Personal opinion? Jehovah needs better representation. I’m thinkin’ CAA – Creative Artists Agency – This group represents most high profile actors and actresses in Hollyweird.

C’mon!!!! CHEESE TOAST? See, I’ve talked with CAA and they’re astonished. Direct quote here: “If Jesus will sign on with us, we’ll get him on Pita breads, Dunkin Donuts, hell, maybe even a Whopper or two. We feel that the single most popular star of this century, nee MILLENIUM!!, should be on much higher profile bread products. Cheese toast is positively old school, kinda like Tom Cruise jumping on the couch to promote Scientology. Poor use of public time.

We here at CAA believe that, given Jesus’ high public profile, that he should be following up this stuff with interviews, Letterman, Leno, Colbert etc. We currently are working with other high profile figures who do nothing but appear on stuff.
Paris Hilton comes to mind. (Boy, I’d tweet that anyday!!) The Khardisian sisters, Any one who’s gay AND into home decorating, Dancing with the Stars.  Although, as we’ve emphasized before, it should be “Dancing with Star – Wars” You betcha! You loose, we kill you! – This program is missing a key demographic in the Islamic region. Exactly…You dance, we kill you…You get the idea.

But, I digress….

Following is the letter we’ve sent to Jesus; by the way, anyone out there got a better mailing address? We’ve tried the North Pole, The Southern Lights, the Eastern moon, and the western front. Seems as easy as it is for him to do Cheese Toast, it’s inversely that difficult to find him when you want to.

Dear Jesus, or God jr.,

We here at CAA would like to offer our services to you in the field of public representation and management. WE believe that if you team up with our agency we can get you exposure like you’ve never known. We believe that 6 minutes with Leno far outweighs 30 days on a cheese toast. Look at Paris Hilton, Her Twitter ratings FAR out rank yours and she’s NEVER resorted to bread products as a an advertising alternative. Our methodologies involve appearances in locations where you are EXPECTED to appear, like oh say…a CHURCH or two?!?!? Captive audience like American idol, but without the Limey judge to criticize. (Although, Jesus, you gotta admit you’d tag Paula in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?) NO MORE BREAD products for you! This is the bigtime, I’m talkin’ Starbucks, Wal-Mart, etc.

We would like to talk to you about some music-related appearances as well, OZZFEST comes to mind. You just show up, throw out some stuff like “I’ll smite you for non-loving me!” and then you introduce Ozzy, who’s your second biggest fan! (Seems like everyone else has tied for first-place.) You’ll enjoy this as there are no bigger God-jeering folks than the Heavy Metal crowd.

(Click here for - Part II)

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

” Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow”

(Special thanks to Uncle Phil)