Through the Looking Glass

(In response to the question: What is the worst habit your pet has?)

My cat, Venus, has a bad habit of going on-line when I’m not looking and buying things I can not afford. Just yesterday she bought a Porsche; third time this month! Now I have to buy a larger garage. And don’t even get me started on the automatic weapons thing. She sez the neighbors dog is aggravating, eats his own poop and stuff like that.

I also believe she gets into the icebox and kills my beer. How else can you explain two six-packs a day disappearing? Same goes for my cigarettes. And, now that I think about it, the ice cream has been disappearing at an alarming rate as well!

I also have reason to believe that she utilizes my eMail to send subversive messages to far-right columnists such as Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

I mean, No one else in their right mind would wish Rush to get hit by a bus; a really large bus, a really, REALLY large, overloaded, brakes failing, bus!

But I digress…

For one thing, to be struck by a bus, one would have to be walking somewheres and I don’t even see Rush fetching his own toilet paper, much less ambulating on the side of the road.

(Damn, the cat truly dislikes Rush, it appears she’s been editing my column yet again today!)

Now what’s really confusing is where she manages to obtain all the Playboy magazines I’m constantly finding around the house. (Can a cat be gay? She IS a female for cryin’ out loud.)
What’s next? A run on “D” cell batteries?

I’m also kinda worried, suddenly my speed-dial is loaded up with lawyers phone numbers. Divorce lawyers. CONTINGENCY divorce lawyers. I should have listened when my friends suggested a pre-nup. Just kidding, I don’t have friends.

Well, I believe I’ll have to start “flying straight” as they used to say. Starting today, Venus dines on line-caught Atlantic salmon.
Do you think she’d prefer Bearnaise or Hollandaise with that?

M

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