Through the Looking Glass

A little deviation today, It’s been a heck of a week for passing icons. Farrah, Ed, Michael…

“Mors certa, hora incerta” -  Death is certain…the hour is not. Remember readers, the passing of our childhoods; which is really whats going on here, can also be a time for contemplation. I would like to think that if Jacko were here, he’d want to see dancing, singing and laughter, not a morose sadding of the world.

I’ve written a little sign-off for Mr. Jackson. Enjoy…

Smooth Criminal

And the rains came and washed away

All our icons of yesterday                                                   

And we bade good night on that Summer day

Some laughed, some cried, but no one swayed

So tip your goblet to the sky

And say Good Bye, Say Good Bye.

 RIP MJ

We’re going to take a different tack today, I’d like to look at the news business in general. We are know in touch with the pulse of the world in seconds not days. Michael Jackson is a prime example. Is this a good thing? Or is it information overload? Let’s explore…

I believe that we can distill the notion of news down to a one sentence abstract: News is the comings and goings of man; births, deaths, and everything in between.

A woman, who shall remain nameless (Janine Sugawara), from the great state of California has recently sued General Mills Foods for false and misleading advertising.

The object of her rath? That Cap’n Crunch with Crunch berries does not contain actual berries?!

Her initial claim was, thank goodness, turned down by the courts. But…wait a minute here…Thanks to our porous legal system, she has exercised her God-given right as an American to be AN IGNORANT SLUT!! Whoops! I meant her constitutionally guaranteed right to appeal!
Thank goodness our court system has free time. We’ll put the Guantanamo stuff on the back-burner whilst we weed through your no doubt, compelling reasons to slime up the judicial system until such time as your berries are, identified, catalogued and assigned their rightful place in the nomenclature of taxonomy texts.

(From the Latin)
Berrius crunchis additivus
translation: Will you please go away?

GET A LIFE!!!

Things I know to be misleading, yet I would never sue over…

1. Keebler cookies are not made by elves; nor do they contain ANY elf parts or byproducts. (They wouldn’t be Kosher.)

2. Snuggle softener does not attract bears.

3. Listerine does not “Kill Bad Breath”. It merely kills the germs that cause bad breath.

3. Chicks will NOT dig me if I take this supplement.

4. Chicks will not dig me if I buy that pool-sweep lookin’ thing that I seem to receive relentless eMails about.

5. Trix are not just for kids. Only six states have ratified legislation stating so…

6. Guns don’t kill people, crack-heads do. Fair enough, yet they are well-armed crack- heads; sporting firepower that would drag down a friggin’ Yeti.

7. The meek shall inherit the Earth.
BWAHAHAHAHAAH!!! LMAO, HAHAHA. Sorry, got sidetracked there…I meant, “Yes children, anyone can grow up to be President” Yeah, of Burundi.

8. Lucky Charms contain NO Four leaf clovers. The “luck” is in avoiding these monuments to cellular biology at the checkout aisle.

9. Gummy Bears do not contain actual, living bear tissue, discarded or otherwise.

10. And last - “Do you promise to love, honor…..etc…..To THE DAY YOU DIE”
“Well, your honor, I WAS dying inside, every minute of every waking moment I’m dying here. To be condemed to having to live within one hemisphere of her is cruel and unusual punishment. Please Lord, make it end, Today, I’m begging!!!! I’ll do anything you ask….”

Whoops, a little unreleased anger there I’m afraid…
Where were we? Oh, Yeah, Crunch berries. I knew that.

In conclusion, I’d like to ask that each and every one of my readers, that’s roughly five of you, give or take 60% for polling purposes, think before you act!

Say to yourself: “I will not sue anyone for anything that cannot be explained on a paper smaller than a post-it. I will not listen to my peers. My peers are clearly crack-heads, (granted with enormous firepower), and don’t understand the Law of Gravity much less the intricacies of jurisprudence. I will instead NOT BUY STUFF I DON’T LIKE!! I will get the Raisin Bran, and let the two scoops thing lie, or I will instead choose berry-free products from this moment on; in fact, Free Range Berry Products whenever possible.

So there’s our first Get A Life column. If you didn’t enjoy this, well, then you’re probably a crack-head.

M

Good Morning Guys and Gals!

Today we’re going to look at the term “Equal Opportunity Employer”.

We’ll start with this seemingly innocuous ad for a shipping clerk.

Description:  Shipping and Receiving Clerk The National Optical Astronomy Observatory headquarters in Tucson currently seeks applicants for an entry-level position in the Shipping and Receiving Department. The shipping and receiving facility supports multiple domestic and international astronomical sites. Selected candidate will be responsible for mail distribution and posting activities, receipt of incoming goods, and local pick-up and delivery services. The starting pay of the position is $10.00/hour including a comprehensive benefit package. Selected candidate must have or be able to obtain a Class C CDL with a Hazardous Materials Endorsement and be able to become forklift certified. The individual must be physically fit and able to frequently lift up to 50 lbs. unassisted. Requirements: High school diploma or equivalent, one year experience in shipping and receiving or mailroom environment, and have a valid Arizona driver’s license.

To apply send cover letter and resume to: [Click Here to Email Your Resumé], or mail to: Human Resources Office, Attn: Shipping and Receiving Clerk-Job #947, PO Box 26732, Tucson, AZ 85726-6732. NOAO extends hiring preference to Native Americans living on or near the Tohono O’Odham Reservation qualified for the position. NOAO actively support efforts to broaden participation in all Observatory activities. For more information www.noao.edu. AA/ EOE

Notice the underlined section? Notice the “Equal Opportunity Employer” Anagram at the end?

What have I missed here? I’m confused, Equal….But……Huh?!?! Is “near” a legal term like “…in the hood”? This prospective employer sez they wish to “broaden participation in all Observatory activities. So, how many Dwarfs do you employ? What about Tibetan Monks? How about blind folks? Does the observatory have openings for blind people to “observe”?

Aren’t I a Native American? I was born in Chicago, “that being a BlackHawk term”. Makes me even MORE native!! I live near the reservation, everyone in Arizona lives “near” a reservation. In fact there are probably white folks from Jersey who spend more time on the reservation, (think five-dollar buffets and nickel slots), than half the Native Americans here!! Is there a preference for these guys? I mean, does accumulated time count?

And what about Serial Killers? Boy, there’s an unrepresented demographic if ever I’ve heard one! Granted most of your Serial Killers tend to be late for work; give a lot of “…I’ve been detained…” excuses; but hey, equal would refer to the unemployable too.

There you are; my Monday rant: thoughts please?:

Do I believe in Fish?

Well…yeah.

I can see them, I can even touch them at my local market. Not the Asian Market though, ‘cause they got freaky-ass shit there like “Aliens” or somethin’. But in a normal, non-breaded situation one can say, “Yes, I believe in fish.”

Ahh…bet you think you know where this is going? You’re probably right!

Anyhow….Do I believe in God ?

Well…NO. I’ve never seen one, nor touched one. (Not even at the Asian market, and there are probably a whole lot of pieces of them for sale there.) But this does not mean that I doubt that YOU believe.

If it was tangible, I’d maybe, some-how become piqued. But mist and smoke has prevented me from seeing. And I’m pretty good with that. If you see him/her or Ru Paul or whatever anthropomorphism God presents to you as corporeal; Tell (see above), that I’m really a nice guy who is just trying to look out for the common man.

I just don’t know what “common” means any more.

M

p.s. If you liked “The Remember Song ” You’ll like this record… The Best of Tom Rush