Through the Looking Glass

A woman, who shall remain nameless (Janine Sugawara), from the great state of California has recently sued General Mills Foods for false and misleading advertising.

The object of her rath? That Cap’n Crunch with Crunch berries does not contain actual berries?!

Her initial claim was, thank goodness, turned down by the courts. But…wait a minute here…Thanks to our porous legal system, she has exercised her God-given right as an American to be AN IGNORANT SLUT!! Whoops! I meant her constitutionally guaranteed right to appeal!
Thank goodness our court system has free time. We’ll put the Guantanamo stuff on the back-burner whilst we weed through your no doubt, compelling reasons to slime up the judicial system until such time as your berries are, identified, catalogued and assigned their rightful place in the nomenclature of taxonomy texts.

(From the Latin)
Berrius crunchis additivus
translation: Will you please go away?

GET A LIFE!!!

Things I know to be misleading, yet I would never sue over…

1. Keebler cookies are not made by elves; nor do they contain ANY elf parts or byproducts. (They wouldn’t be Kosher.)

2. Snuggle softener does not attract bears.

3. Listerine does not “Kill Bad Breath”. It merely kills the germs that cause bad breath.

3. Chicks will NOT dig me if I take this supplement.

4. Chicks will not dig me if I buy that pool-sweep lookin’ thing that I seem to receive relentless eMails about.

5. Trix are not just for kids. Only six states have ratified legislation stating so…

6. Guns don’t kill people, crack-heads do. Fair enough, yet they are well-armed crack- heads; sporting firepower that would drag down a friggin’ Yeti.

7. The meek shall inherit the Earth.
BWAHAHAHAHAAH!!! LMAO, HAHAHA. Sorry, got sidetracked there…I meant, “Yes children, anyone can grow up to be President” Yeah, of Burundi.

8. Lucky Charms contain NO Four leaf clovers. The “luck” is in avoiding these monuments to cellular biology at the checkout aisle.

9. Gummy Bears do not contain actual, living bear tissue, discarded or otherwise.

10. And last - “Do you promise to love, honor…..etc…..To THE DAY YOU DIE”
“Well, your honor, I WAS dying inside, every minute of every waking moment I’m dying here. To be condemed to having to live within one hemisphere of her is cruel and unusual punishment. Please Lord, make it end, Today, I’m begging!!!! I’ll do anything you ask….”

Whoops, a little unreleased anger there I’m afraid…
Where were we? Oh, Yeah, Crunch berries. I knew that.

In conclusion, I’d like to ask that each and every one of my readers, that’s roughly five of you, give or take 60% for polling purposes, think before you act!

Say to yourself: “I will not sue anyone for anything that cannot be explained on a paper smaller than a post-it. I will not listen to my peers. My peers are clearly crack-heads, (granted with enormous firepower), and don’t understand the Law of Gravity much less the intricacies of jurisprudence. I will instead NOT BUY STUFF I DON’T LIKE!! I will get the Raisin Bran, and let the two scoops thing lie, or I will instead choose berry-free products from this moment on; in fact, Free Range Berry Products whenever possible.

So there’s our first Get A Life column. If you didn’t enjoy this, well, then you’re probably a crack-head.

M

Trackback URI | Comments RSS