Through the Looking Glass

Allrighty then…

Remember the old adage “You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy?”

mmmmm, well, take a looky at this here video. This gentleman would be wise to remember the words of Satchel Paige:

“Ain’t no man can avoid being born average. But ain’t no man got to be common.”

This is what you get in the digital age. In the old days; read - 5 years ago - The cost of tape/film was prohibitive enough that when one flubbed a take, the cameras stopped rolling…Not these days…

By the way; How come when you watch National Geographic, they explain how someone is the “first” to climb said mountain and yet someone else climbed up right behind him WHILE CARRYING forty lbs. of video gear?

Any how, here is today’s  Ebonics lesson:

In honor of “Talk Like A Pirate Day” Here is Google like a Pirate:

Google for Pirates

Whew, this little gem crossed my path earlier. You know how your friends are constantly asking you: “Yo, white dude, why can’t you and your brothers write a rap song?” Well, for one, we are severely limited on topics of interest.  Using myself as an example; I’ve never had a stable of bitches so therefore, I don’t have much pimpin’ experience. I’ve never sold crack in the projects, hell, I’ve never bought crack in the projects, and I’ve never had a thousand dollar bottle of champagne to drink while shopping for a Rolex in Beverly Hills either.

So, common ground? Maybe…I do like women and, evidently so does this gentleman: I proudly present to you…decent White folk hip-hop. Oh, and by the way, this is in NO WAY WHAT SO EVER safe for work.

Dear Reader,

not to be confused with Kim Jong II, Dear Leader,

I know it has been two months since I last invaded your privacy; But I was engaged in my annual “Fall Down the Rabbit Hole…” sabbatical.

I, as a rule, do not cotton to my birthday well at all. In fact I rather dislike this yearly occurrence. I tend to imbibe in the “brewery arts” to an extent that could, by laymen’s terms, be called intoxication.

Oscar Wilde: “I have found that alcohol, in small amounts can cause intoxication.”

But I digress.

I know you’ve wondered what exciting earth-shattering topic will Argus address in his first column in nearly sixty days? Well, I’ve been eagerly watching the news of the world around us and have decided to address the MOST IMPORTANT issue of our times. That’s right, How To Fold A Shirt!!

Without further ado:

How To Fold A Shirt

What if Facebook PAID you to socialize?

Sidetick Does!!!

BIRDY NAM NAM - THE PARACHUTE ENDING from Steve Scott on Vimeo.

In the Moment

A little deviation today, It’s been a heck of a week for passing icons. Farrah, Ed, Michael…

“Mors certa, hora incerta” -  Death is certain…the hour is not. Remember readers, the passing of our childhoods; which is really whats going on here, can also be a time for contemplation. I would like to think that if Jacko were here, he’d want to see dancing, singing and laughter, not a morose sadding of the world.

I’ve written a little sign-off for Mr. Jackson. Enjoy…

Smooth Criminal

And the rains came and washed away

All our icons of yesterday                                                   

And we bade good night on that Summer day

Some laughed, some cried, but no one swayed

So tip your goblet to the sky

And say Good Bye, Say Good Bye.

 RIP MJ

We’re going to take a different tack today, I’d like to look at the news business in general. We are know in touch with the pulse of the world in seconds not days. Michael Jackson is a prime example. Is this a good thing? Or is it information overload? Let’s explore…

I believe that we can distill the notion of news down to a one sentence abstract: News is the comings and goings of man; births, deaths, and everything in between.

A woman, who shall remain nameless (Janine Sugawara), from the great state of California has recently sued General Mills Foods for false and misleading advertising.

The object of her rath? That Cap’n Crunch with Crunch berries does not contain actual berries?!

Her initial claim was, thank goodness, turned down by the courts. But…wait a minute here…Thanks to our porous legal system, she has exercised her God-given right as an American to be AN IGNORANT SLUT!! Whoops! I meant her constitutionally guaranteed right to appeal!
Thank goodness our court system has free time. We’ll put the Guantanamo stuff on the back-burner whilst we weed through your no doubt, compelling reasons to slime up the judicial system until such time as your berries are, identified, catalogued and assigned their rightful place in the nomenclature of taxonomy texts.

(From the Latin)
Berrius crunchis additivus
translation: Will you please go away?

GET A LIFE!!!

Things I know to be misleading, yet I would never sue over…

1. Keebler cookies are not made by elves; nor do they contain ANY elf parts or byproducts. (They wouldn’t be Kosher.)

2. Snuggle softener does not attract bears.

3. Listerine does not “Kill Bad Breath”. It merely kills the germs that cause bad breath.

3. Chicks will NOT dig me if I take this supplement.

4. Chicks will not dig me if I buy that pool-sweep lookin’ thing that I seem to receive relentless eMails about.

5. Trix are not just for kids. Only six states have ratified legislation stating so…

6. Guns don’t kill people, crack-heads do. Fair enough, yet they are well-armed crack- heads; sporting firepower that would drag down a friggin’ Yeti.

7. The meek shall inherit the Earth.
BWAHAHAHAHAAH!!! LMAO, HAHAHA. Sorry, got sidetracked there…I meant, “Yes children, anyone can grow up to be President” Yeah, of Burundi.

8. Lucky Charms contain NO Four leaf clovers. The “luck” is in avoiding these monuments to cellular biology at the checkout aisle.

9. Gummy Bears do not contain actual, living bear tissue, discarded or otherwise.

10. And last - “Do you promise to love, honor…..etc…..To THE DAY YOU DIE”
“Well, your honor, I WAS dying inside, every minute of every waking moment I’m dying here. To be condemed to having to live within one hemisphere of her is cruel and unusual punishment. Please Lord, make it end, Today, I’m begging!!!! I’ll do anything you ask….”

Whoops, a little unreleased anger there I’m afraid…
Where were we? Oh, Yeah, Crunch berries. I knew that.

In conclusion, I’d like to ask that each and every one of my readers, that’s roughly five of you, give or take 60% for polling purposes, think before you act!

Say to yourself: “I will not sue anyone for anything that cannot be explained on a paper smaller than a post-it. I will not listen to my peers. My peers are clearly crack-heads, (granted with enormous firepower), and don’t understand the Law of Gravity much less the intricacies of jurisprudence. I will instead NOT BUY STUFF I DON’T LIKE!! I will get the Raisin Bran, and let the two scoops thing lie, or I will instead choose berry-free products from this moment on; in fact, Free Range Berry Products whenever possible.

So there’s our first Get A Life column. If you didn’t enjoy this, well, then you’re probably a crack-head.

M