Through the Looking Glass

Allrighty then…

Remember the old adage “You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy?”

mmmmm, well, take a looky at this here video. This gentleman would be wise to remember the words of Satchel Paige:

“Ain’t no man can avoid being born average. But ain’t no man got to be common.”

This is what you get in the digital age. In the old days; read - 5 years ago - The cost of tape/film was prohibitive enough that when one flubbed a take, the cameras stopped rolling…Not these days…

By the way; How come when you watch National Geographic, they explain how someone is the “first” to climb said mountain and yet someone else climbed up right behind him WHILE CARRYING forty lbs. of video gear?

Any how, here is today’s  Ebonics lesson:

In honor of “Talk Like A Pirate Day” Here is Google like a Pirate:

Google for Pirates

CraigsList - Weird Al

Whew, this little gem crossed my path earlier. You know how your friends are constantly asking you: “Yo, white dude, why can’t you and your brothers write a rap song?” Well, for one, we are severely limited on topics of interest.  Using myself as an example; I’ve never had a stable of bitches so therefore, I don’t have much pimpin’ experience. I’ve never sold crack in the projects, hell, I’ve never bought crack in the projects, and I’ve never had a thousand dollar bottle of champagne to drink while shopping for a Rolex in Beverly Hills either.

So, common ground? Maybe…I do like women and, evidently so does this gentleman: I proudly present to you…decent White folk hip-hop. Oh, and by the way, this is in NO WAY WHAT SO EVER safe for work.

Dear Reader,

not to be confused with Kim Jong II, Dear Leader,

I know it has been two months since I last invaded your privacy; But I was engaged in my annual “Fall Down the Rabbit Hole…” sabbatical.

I, as a rule, do not cotton to my birthday well at all. In fact I rather dislike this yearly occurrence. I tend to imbibe in the “brewery arts” to an extent that could, by laymen’s terms, be called intoxication.

Oscar Wilde: “I have found that alcohol, in small amounts can cause intoxication.”

But I digress.

I know you’ve wondered what exciting earth-shattering topic will Argus address in his first column in nearly sixty days? Well, I’ve been eagerly watching the news of the world around us and have decided to address the MOST IMPORTANT issue of our times. That’s right, How To Fold A Shirt!!

Without further ado:

How To Fold A Shirt

A woman, who shall remain nameless (Janine Sugawara), from the great state of California has recently sued General Mills Foods for false and misleading advertising.

The object of her rath? That Cap’n Crunch with Crunch berries does not contain actual berries?!

Her initial claim was, thank goodness, turned down by the courts. But…wait a minute here…Thanks to our porous legal system, she has exercised her God-given right as an American to be AN IGNORANT SLUT!! Whoops! I meant her constitutionally guaranteed right to appeal!
Thank goodness our court system has free time. We’ll put the Guantanamo stuff on the back-burner whilst we weed through your no doubt, compelling reasons to slime up the judicial system until such time as your berries are, identified, catalogued and assigned their rightful place in the nomenclature of taxonomy texts.

(From the Latin)
Berrius crunchis additivus
translation: Will you please go away?

GET A LIFE!!!

Things I know to be misleading, yet I would never sue over…

1. Keebler cookies are not made by elves; nor do they contain ANY elf parts or byproducts. (They wouldn’t be Kosher.)

2. Snuggle softener does not attract bears.

3. Listerine does not “Kill Bad Breath”. It merely kills the germs that cause bad breath.

3. Chicks will NOT dig me if I take this supplement.

4. Chicks will not dig me if I buy that pool-sweep lookin’ thing that I seem to receive relentless eMails about.

5. Trix are not just for kids. Only six states have ratified legislation stating so…

6. Guns don’t kill people, crack-heads do. Fair enough, yet they are well-armed crack- heads; sporting firepower that would drag down a friggin’ Yeti.

7. The meek shall inherit the Earth.
BWAHAHAHAHAAH!!! LMAO, HAHAHA. Sorry, got sidetracked there…I meant, “Yes children, anyone can grow up to be President” Yeah, of Burundi.

8. Lucky Charms contain NO Four leaf clovers. The “luck” is in avoiding these monuments to cellular biology at the checkout aisle.

9. Gummy Bears do not contain actual, living bear tissue, discarded or otherwise.

10. And last - “Do you promise to love, honor…..etc…..To THE DAY YOU DIE”
“Well, your honor, I WAS dying inside, every minute of every waking moment I’m dying here. To be condemed to having to live within one hemisphere of her is cruel and unusual punishment. Please Lord, make it end, Today, I’m begging!!!! I’ll do anything you ask….”

Whoops, a little unreleased anger there I’m afraid…
Where were we? Oh, Yeah, Crunch berries. I knew that.

In conclusion, I’d like to ask that each and every one of my readers, that’s roughly five of you, give or take 60% for polling purposes, think before you act!

Say to yourself: “I will not sue anyone for anything that cannot be explained on a paper smaller than a post-it. I will not listen to my peers. My peers are clearly crack-heads, (granted with enormous firepower), and don’t understand the Law of Gravity much less the intricacies of jurisprudence. I will instead NOT BUY STUFF I DON’T LIKE!! I will get the Raisin Bran, and let the two scoops thing lie, or I will instead choose berry-free products from this moment on; in fact, Free Range Berry Products whenever possible.

So there’s our first Get A Life column. If you didn’t enjoy this, well, then you’re probably a crack-head.

M

Good Morning Guys and Gals!

Today we’re going to look at the term “Equal Opportunity Employer”.

We’ll start with this seemingly innocuous ad for a shipping clerk.

Description:  Shipping and Receiving Clerk The National Optical Astronomy Observatory headquarters in Tucson currently seeks applicants for an entry-level position in the Shipping and Receiving Department. The shipping and receiving facility supports multiple domestic and international astronomical sites. Selected candidate will be responsible for mail distribution and posting activities, receipt of incoming goods, and local pick-up and delivery services. The starting pay of the position is $10.00/hour including a comprehensive benefit package. Selected candidate must have or be able to obtain a Class C CDL with a Hazardous Materials Endorsement and be able to become forklift certified. The individual must be physically fit and able to frequently lift up to 50 lbs. unassisted. Requirements: High school diploma or equivalent, one year experience in shipping and receiving or mailroom environment, and have a valid Arizona driver’s license.

To apply send cover letter and resume to: [Click Here to Email Your Resumé], or mail to: Human Resources Office, Attn: Shipping and Receiving Clerk-Job #947, PO Box 26732, Tucson, AZ 85726-6732. NOAO extends hiring preference to Native Americans living on or near the Tohono O’Odham Reservation qualified for the position. NOAO actively support efforts to broaden participation in all Observatory activities. For more information www.noao.edu. AA/ EOE

Notice the underlined section? Notice the “Equal Opportunity Employer” Anagram at the end?

What have I missed here? I’m confused, Equal….But……Huh?!?! Is “near” a legal term like “…in the hood”? This prospective employer sez they wish to “broaden participation in all Observatory activities. So, how many Dwarfs do you employ? What about Tibetan Monks? How about blind folks? Does the observatory have openings for blind people to “observe”?

Aren’t I a Native American? I was born in Chicago, “that being a BlackHawk term”. Makes me even MORE native!! I live near the reservation, everyone in Arizona lives “near” a reservation. In fact there are probably white folks from Jersey who spend more time on the reservation, (think five-dollar buffets and nickel slots), than half the Native Americans here!! Is there a preference for these guys? I mean, does accumulated time count?

And what about Serial Killers? Boy, there’s an unrepresented demographic if ever I’ve heard one! Granted most of your Serial Killers tend to be late for work; give a lot of “…I’ve been detained…” excuses; but hey, equal would refer to the unemployable too.

There you are; my Monday rant: thoughts please?:

Do I believe in Fish?

Well…yeah.

I can see them, I can even touch them at my local market. Not the Asian Market though, ‘cause they got freaky-ass shit there like “Aliens” or somethin’. But in a normal, non-breaded situation one can say, “Yes, I believe in fish.”

Ahh…bet you think you know where this is going? You’re probably right!

Anyhow….Do I believe in God ?

Well…NO. I’ve never seen one, nor touched one. (Not even at the Asian market, and there are probably a whole lot of pieces of them for sale there.) But this does not mean that I doubt that YOU believe.

If it was tangible, I’d maybe, some-how become piqued. But mist and smoke has prevented me from seeing. And I’m pretty good with that. If you see him/her or Ru Paul or whatever anthropomorphism God presents to you as corporeal; Tell (see above), that I’m really a nice guy who is just trying to look out for the common man.

I just don’t know what “common” means any more.

M

p.s. If you liked “The Remember Song ” You’ll like this record… The Best of Tom Rush

(In response to the question: What is the worst habit your pet has?)

My cat, Venus, has a bad habit of going on-line when I’m not looking and buying things I can not afford. Just yesterday she bought a Porsche; third time this month! Now I have to buy a larger garage. And don’t even get me started on the automatic weapons thing. She sez the neighbors dog is aggravating, eats his own poop and stuff like that.

I also believe she gets into the icebox and kills my beer. How else can you explain two six-packs a day disappearing? Same goes for my cigarettes. And, now that I think about it, the ice cream has been disappearing at an alarming rate as well!

I also have reason to believe that she utilizes my eMail to send subversive messages to far-right columnists such as Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

I mean, No one else in their right mind would wish Rush to get hit by a bus; a really large bus, a really, REALLY large, overloaded, brakes failing, bus!

But I digress…

For one thing, to be struck by a bus, one would have to be walking somewheres and I don’t even see Rush fetching his own toilet paper, much less ambulating on the side of the road.

(Damn, the cat truly dislikes Rush, it appears she’s been editing my column yet again today!)

Now what’s really confusing is where she manages to obtain all the Playboy magazines I’m constantly finding around the house. (Can a cat be gay? She IS a female for cryin’ out loud.)
What’s next? A run on “D” cell batteries?

I’m also kinda worried, suddenly my speed-dial is loaded up with lawyers phone numbers. Divorce lawyers. CONTINGENCY divorce lawyers. I should have listened when my friends suggested a pre-nup. Just kidding, I don’t have friends.

Well, I believe I’ll have to start “flying straight” as they used to say. Starting today, Venus dines on line-caught Atlantic salmon.
Do you think she’d prefer Bearnaise or Hollandaise with that?

M

This is the cadence of life.

Ebb and flow, come and go, highs and lows. What then, stays static in the time-line?

Thirty years ago; or in terms we can easily understand, in the era of the FIRST singer for AC/DC, I took up valuable space in the learning environment known as  Palmer Preparatory in Miami, Fl.

The only nuggets I’ve retained after all these years are:

A) How to roll a joint. (Topography, spacial relationships, dexterity and adhesives)

B) How to light it. (Combustion - which is 1. fuel 2.oxygen and 3. ignition or flashpoint)

And C) The mechanics and physics of bong operation. (Bernoulli principle.)

Although I don’t really practice these “skills” much anymore, it is interesting to address one’s retention traits as we get older.
For instance, I can still recite Xanadu from Coleridge; The Gettysburg Address; and a bunch of stuff off the Periodic Table of the Elements.

Sidebar: None of which has EVER come up in a boardroom meeting in Silicon Valley…

Although, I have actually fired someone based on the tenets of algebra. Really! He didn’t come to work on time, perpetually late, yet did manage to finish his work load daily. Unfortunately, I had 20 guys in a warehouse in Walnut, CA, 50 in Bangaladore, another 8 in Taipei who DID manage to arrive at the preordained time. So it was “I know you got the answers right, but I wanna know HOW you figured…i.e. Procedure matters.
But I digress…

I would say that other than the pot thing, I ‘d have to really reach back into the annals of adolescence to fetch any thing that I, as Shakespeare once said, “give a shit about”.

Nope, can’t summon up anything from those days (years?) that bore fruit later in life. (Read: “Someone paid me for knowing it.)

However…….. I DO have one exception to this doctrine…

I remember AND cherish each and every person whom I had had the pleasure of calling Classmate.

I’ve been rewinding the tapes, reviewing the written form and perusing the photo sets of the thirty years reunion of my fellow “Pirates”.

No matter how many of the afore-mentioned bong skills I indulge in; I CANNOT AND WILL NOT REFER TO said classmates as “Falcons”

Everyone looks great and everybody would appear to have found their “place in this world”. And dear reader, appearance IS everything!
(Can you tell I’d been in California too long?)

Final summary judgement…A Kudos to all Pirates past and present; and thank you for being, persistent little buggers that you are, in my thoughts and memories for the last thirty years.

Rock on Pirates, Rock on!

M. Marcus

p.s. Bon Scott really did kick ass, right Mad dog?

p.p.s. Thank You - Robert Yarbrough. They actually PAY me to write this stuff!!